The Relationship Newsletter

It doesn’t matter who we are or how famous we become, we all have issues in our lives. In fact, often the more famous we are, the more isolated and unloved we feel. And certainly, the more famous and/or rich we are, the less we get confronted when our thinking starts to get off track.

That’s of course what happened to Michael Jackson. He seemed very sad and alone at the end, and his staff seemed to enable his drug problem instead of “helping” him get better. Whether or not his prescription drug problem caused his death or not, we all know he was a very unhappy man. And here is a man who could have afforded the best therapy in the world, but probably never sat down in a therapist’s office and discussed his problems. Sure he had psychiatrists who gave him medication, but that only masks the problem.

And that’s what Michael did day after day -- mask his problems, with drugs and even actual masks. Seldom did anyone ever hear about what was going on inside of him. In one of his old interviews that was aired recently, you could see how nervous he got when the interviewer brought up the fact that his dad was abusive to him. He admitted it, but getting him to talk more about it was like pulling teeth. It was a classic sign of denial.

When pushed to talk more about it, he said his father made fun of how he looked and continually told him he had a fat nose. We don’t have to wonder why Michael had such self-esteem issues that he had surgery after surgery on his nose until it was so thin there was nothing left. And his guilt was an issue too. He said that his dad used him as an example to his brothers of how they should act, i.e. “be good” like Michael. He said they got beat by their dad more than he did. What pressure and guilt that creates in a young child.

Most of us are pressured to “be good” as we grow up, though we’re not necessarily beat with a belt (like Michael and his brothers were) if we aren’t good. Being human and having a normal range of feelings (from funny to sad to angry) and expressing those feelings and making mistakes as we do that is often seen as “bad.” Constricting your feelings at an early age sets you up to never be able to create an emotionally intimate relationship. Look at Michael -- everything was told in fairytales and images. Sure, the rigid training, fear of his father, need for approval, and creating of visual images for us is what made him a great performer and icon. And in that sense, it’s great! But, I think we all feel bad for him because he gave us so much, yet he got very little from his life. Fame doesn’t do it! Just as success in our careers don’t do it. All of his success and fame on the stage should have given him the approval he so desperately sought, but he never felt the love. I’m sure Michael would have traded his fame to just feel truly loved. Not by his fans. That’s not the kind of love Michael needed. And we may think we want to be loved for our successes, but once received, fame is not as satisfying as we think it will be.

I had a little fame a few years ago when I wrote my 3 books and was on Oprah and met other stars as I did the talk show circuit, and it was great fun! But more satisfying is the closeness and loved feelings I get from being in my relationship with Alan – a true one-on-one intimate relationship. But, it takes emotions, both positive and negative, to be close and in love with someone and have them know you well enough to love you back. Still, today, most of us never get this. And some of us get it, and then let it go because we don’t know how to be intimate in a relationship. I did this for many years myself. Michael Jackson did this his entire life. How incredibly sad.

Yet, most of us do the same thing because it’s all we know. It’s what we’re taught as a child: “be good,” instead of “be real.” As a child we don’t know what to believe, so we usually believe our authorities, i.e. parents, teachers, etc. – even when they’re wrong! When Michael was a child and his father made fun of the way he looked and taught him that being his human self was not good enough, Michael believed him! After all, it was his dad! When we’re little and vulnerable, we don’t know anything else to believe. So, Michael sought approval by changing his looks and seeking more and more success because he thought he wasn’t good enough the way he was. When really, he was the cutest little boy in the world! But all the love by fans could not take away that pain in his soul that maybe he was not “good enough” to be truly loved. Michael was isolated from all normalcy and his emotional growth was stunted to about the age when he became a star. Then, as an adult when he could make other choices, he stayed on the same track his father set him on without questioning the validity of it. He stayed in denial and wouldn’t confront his issues from his childhood. When this happens, there is no choice but to look for relief from somewhere -- drugs, alcohol, food, etc. They say he knew he was going to die young. That’s probably because he knew he was never going to deal with his issues, and his life was getting more and more isolated and unhappy and out of control, and he needed to medicate himself more and more to function at all. There’s never a happy ending at the end of this road.

We all crave true love and acceptance from another human being. Many people never find it or feel it, but we always crave it. If Michael had dealt with his issues from his childhood, he might not have become “the greatest entertainer of all time.” But was it worth the trade-off? I doubt it.

With therapy, Michael could have understood that his dad was wrong about a lot of things – about Michael’s looks, about how to handle feelings, about discipline, about how to be a father, and on and on. Intellectually I believe Michael knew that, as we often do, but that doesn’t keep us from playing out our legacy. Simply insulating ourselves from the people who hurt us in the past isn’t enough, because we usually end up insulating ourselves from intimacy as well. We must confront issues with the person who created those problems in us to undo the deep brainwashing, and help us feel safe again. Once we do this, we take people who’ve hurt us off the pedestal and can see through them and see their weaknesses. We then truly realize that their judgments of us are less about us and more about them.

Michael’s dad obviously has severe control and anger issues. We all see it. Whatever he did to Michael was never because Michael was “bad” in anyway, but because of something in his own messed up psyche. Maybe he was jealous that he himself never had that great musical career, maybe it was because his dad was abusive to him, maybe his marriage was bad and he took it out on the kids. Who knows? But whatever the reason that Michael’s dad treated him and his brothers so rigidly and abusively, we can be pretty sure that it wasn’t because they deserved it! In Michael’s songs you can hear his searching for answers and for his own identity. And he went to his grave without finding either one. His death can be a great message to others: Do what it takes to be happy and don’t avoid the issues in your own life!