Carolyn

Some people look forward to the holidays and others dread them.  The chances are that you are like thousands of others feeling the holiday pressures of too little time and too much work, too little money and too many demands, and too great a desire to please everyone because of too many family expectations.  The holidays can be a lot of fun and/or a lot of trouble.  No matter whether you dread this time of year or look forward to it, you can make your holidays better with some tips like I’ve shared with my Denver clients.

My client Mary, a single mom going through a divorce, always overbooks and tries to meet everyone’s expectations, but this holiday she doesn’t have the energy or the time.  But that hasn’t stopped her family and friends from  expecting her to what they want (afterall, she always has).  But this year Mary as promised to put herself first and say no.

My client Joe no longer wants to spend the holidays with his family.  He says they all pretend that everything is fine while his mom whines, his dad doesn’t talk, and his brother (who’s too old to still be living at home) sits there stoned, making excuses about why he doesn’t work.  I’m helping Joe confront his family about his feelings, and spend time with them only if they agree to his new boundaries.  And if not, he’ll do his own thing, and not feel guilty.

Cindy, on the other hand, feels sad that she might not be with her family this year.  She recently had a fight with her mom and they’re not speaking.  Cindy believes the issue is not resolvable and refuses to give in to her mom.  But she especially feels bad for her two-year-old not getting to spend the holidays with her grandparents.  I’m helping Cindy find a way to make peace with her family in a way that allows them to have their differences – and still have a good holiday together.

1) Don’t do the “shoulds.”  Don’t spend the holidays just meeting obligations to others.  Balance what you want to do with what you feel you should do.  When friends or family tell you things you should do this holiday season, stop them.  Tell them that you won’t feel guilty for trying to enjoy yourself.  For instance, say, “I know I should visit Aunt Matilda while I’m home, but I’ve decided not to this year and I don’t want you trying to make me feel guilty.

2) Set advance boundaries with family and friends.  “I’ll only be there for 2 hours mom, so don’t get upset when I have to leave.”  “I’m going to have wine with dinner, so don’t say anything when I do.”  After dinner, Joanie and I are going out, so know that I have plans for that evening.”  “If you do criticize my weight again, I’ll remind you to stop once, and if you don’t, I’ll leave.”

3) Lower your expectations.  We all have our fantasies of how we want the holiday to be, often forgetting how they turned out in the past, thinking that this time will be different.  You can still hope for the best, but you must prepare for the worse, i.e. your uncle getting drunk, your sister making a scene, a family member being rude to you, or whatever.  We’re all from dysfunctional families.  Our mom, dad, or brother probably didn’t express their love the way we wanted them to as we grew up, why would we think they will this year?

4) Don’t overbook.  Like Mary, learn to say no.  We often want to please everyone, even at our own expense.  If you try to do too much, you will resent it and probably end up exploding at the wrong people.  Think each situation through and only say yes to things that really sound like something you want to do.  And even then, don’t try to fit in more than one thing at a time or you’ll end up exhausted.

5) Create intimacy.  Most of us wish we felt closer to the person sitting beside us at the holiday dinner.  You can be closer if you will be more real since authenticity creates intimacy.  Be open about yourself and ask them personal questions.  Ask a relative you would like to be closer to to take a walk or a trip to the store to have that private time. Stay up late once it’s quiet and talk to someone you care about.  Write a long letter to a friend or relative that you haven’t had time to see.

6) Get involved.  Whether it’s getting involved with helping prepare the meal or getting involved with the soup kitchen for the poor, getting involved always makes you feel connected.  If you don’t want to help cook, plan the music for that holiday.  Or, go sing holiday songs at the nearest old folks home.

7) Take care of yourself.  Be sure that your happiness and comfort are the focus.  Imagine the holiday the way you want it, not having the drunken uncle over or a fun group outing instead of just football all day?  Special time with your dad?  A trip to the casinos?  Speak up about what you want.  And if your family doesn’t agree, find a way to fit in some of your “wants” anyway.