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Getting Rid of Guilt
by Carolyn Bushong
Guilt
is a very destructive emotion. Maybe it is helpful for a client of mine
to feel enough guilt about hurting her married lover's wife to stop
dating a married man and get out of the relationship, but the majority
of guilt comes from feeling stupid or not perfect enough. My female
clients tell me they feel guilty for just about everything:
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guilty
for being female
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guilty
for being smart
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guilty
for being overweight
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guilty
for not being organized
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guilty
for not being a morning person
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guilty
for taking time for themselves
-
guilty
for ending a relationship with someone who loved them
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guilty
for not talking to their parents constantly
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guilty
for not being a perfect parent
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guilty
for not sacrificing enough with time, money, etc.
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guilty
for sleeping in late
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guilty
for eating chocolate or dessert before dinner
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guilty
for buying things for themselves
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guilty
for enjoying life
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guilty
for not saving enough money
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guilty
for being who she is
Criticisms Cause
Guilt
Too many of us fall into
this trap. It's difficult to get rid of guilt when we've been criticized
all our lives (and we all have), and when those criticisms still spin
around in our heads like a tape that won't stop playing. Often when we
start to feel good about ourselves, someone will say or do something
that pushes one of our buttons and reminds us that we're not perfect.
These "buttons" are made up of all those criticisms on the tape that was
created when we were children. People push our insecurity buttons by
saying something like, "I can't believe you did that!" Then we think,
"My mother used to say that about me, it must be true." Because we're so
afraid we're "bad," we work extra hard trying to please this person,
letting him or her manipulate us because of our insecurities. Our
pervasive guilt about who we are allows this to happen because of our
feeling that we "should" be better than we are. Until we can accept our
humanness, especially our shortcomings, we can never allow others to get
close to us. People love to tell other people what they should and
shouldn't do.
The term "selfish" is used by others to manipulate and control us and
make us feel guilty. Anytime we're not choosing to do what is best for
someone else, that person will accuse us of being selfish to try and
convince us to do what he or she wants. The best counter to this
manipulative accusation is to feel good about being selfish and say, "At
times I AM selfish and I'm glad that I go after what I want instead of
trying to do what everybody else wants me to do." It throws them off if
you're proud of your selfishness.
Appropriate guilt can be good but is only good for about 15 minutes:
while you think through an issue and think about what lesson you need to
learn and how you will handle it differently in the future. Most guilt
is not appropriate guilt, but instead self-blame. Self-blame for not
being perfect and not always doing the perfectly right thing. For the
most part, guilt is just a destructive emotion that is all about
suffering and feeling bad. We all make mistakes. There isn't a person
alive that hasn't hurt someone, whether intentionally or not. We all
make mistakes and our mistakes affect others. Feeling guilty forever for
those mistakes does not help them or us. If you need to right a wrong to
let go of the guilt, do it.
How to Stop
Feeling Guilty:
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If you actually did
something wrong (according to your own belief system, right the
wrong and then let it go. When you feel guilty, you can clean up
your mistake by saying: "I feel terrible about what I've done to
you. I really didn't mean to hurt you. I am sorry I hurt you. The
reason I did what I did is ___________What can I do to make it up to
you and earn your trust again?" If the other person won't cooperate,
ask them what you need to do, and if they won't accept anything, let
it go.
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Realize that no one
is perfect and ask others about their issues and listen to their
answers and imperfections.
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If you made a
mistake, learn your lesson and move on. If there really is no lesson
to be learned, realize that and talk yourself out of the guilt by
reminding yourself to forget the "shoulds" because you would
probably do it the same way if you had it to do over again.
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Ask yourself where
the guilt is coming from. Then ask yourself if that is a person you
want to be like (because you are following their values). Then ask
yourself if that person is perfect? Of course the answer is no, so
make a list of all of their imperfections. Then decide he or she
does not have a right to judge you and let it go. If this person
insists on making you feel guilty, use some of the points on the
list to remind that person that he is a hypocrite.
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Don't "should" on
yourself. If the guilt is coming from you, then you have unrealistic
expectations of yourself. But most unrealistic expectations come
from our parents and other authorities who remind us that we are
imperfect. Don't take on their bad view of you or their belief
system about the world. Evaluate yourself by your own standards, and
stop using the word "should."
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Don't get sucked in
when someone tries to guilt-trip you. "I know I'm not that important
to you." "Should you have another drink?" "Isn't that too expensive
for you?" "Don't you think you should go home now?" Don't answer the
question or you are becoming sucked in. Instead, state a firm
boundary like, "Mother, like I said, I can't talk now, but I'll call
you when I get home from work." Or, "I'll decide: when to go home,
whether to have another drink, what is and isn't too expensive."
Then don't keep talking or they know they got you.
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Don't make
guilt-ridden negative statements to yourself, i.e. "How could I be
so stupid?!" "If only I would have been smart enough to." "I sure
screwed that one up!" "I can't believe I did that!" Instead, say
positive statements to yourself. "That may have been a mistake, but
I learned my lesson." "It's surprising that I misinterpreted that
because I'm usually right on target." If needed, quietly remind
yourself of all of your other good traits and how great you are in
other areas.
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We have to demand
that others accept us as we are. We can't let anyone lay his or her
value judgments on us. We can't let others play God with us. And in
return, we can't play God with them. Stop asking yourself, what will
people think? Those "shoulds" keep you from enjoying your life.
Those "shoulds" cause resentment, create guilt, and put
responsibility where it doesn't belong. What have the "shoulds" done
to you?
When we were small
children, we trusted our thoughts and feelings.
We knew when we felt angry or sad, and we expressed these feelings
naturally without thinking about whether we should or shouldn't. Then we
were told by our parents and others in society, "You shouldn't feel that
way," "What do you mean you don't love your mother?" "Don't you talk to
your brother like that!" We learned to trust our parents' moral dictates
— you should respect authority, you should obey your husband, you should
always be polite to others—more than our own.
Stop living your life the way others' want you to. Stop feeling guilty
because you're not perfect, when neither are they. Live your life
according to your own values and beliefs and no one else's.
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