Carolyn's Christmas Story - Home for Christmas
by Carolyn Bushong

Going home for Christmas always caused mixed emotions in me. Although I wanted to see my family, I also dreaded it. Although I always hoped I'd feel close to my family, I usually ended up feeling phony around them. When my parents hugged me and said "Good to see you, honey, we've missed you so much," I smiled and said, "Me too." When really I was thinking, "Then why don't you act like it and stop trying to run my life?!"

When they asked how business was, I said, "Fine," because I wanted them to be proud of me. When they asked whether I had a boyfriend, I jokingly said, "You know there aren't any men good enough for me!" In reality, the comment hurt. It upset me to see my mother cower before my father. It depressed me when Dad couldn't talk to me about anything except what was on TV. I was bored when Mom gossiped about my relatives. I was insulted when she insinuated that I should be married and having babies. Then my "good" little sister showed up with her perfect husband and child and made me feel guilty that my life wasn't like hers.

I always went home with expectations that never seemed to be met. I still wanted my family to love me unconditionally. I expected them to acknowledge my career success and to accept my lifestyle. I wanted them to be proud. I wanted them to talk to me as a friend. Each time it didn't happen, I regressed to the rebellious child I had been. As my anger built, I became sarcastic and cutting - later feeling bad about what I had said.

I behaved as if I was not the strong, capable woman who had developed a successful life of her own. I wanted to tell them how I felt but I feared I would hurt them. For years, I made excuses not to go home. Then I shortened my visit to just one or two days. My parents made me feel guilty by saying I didn't love them or I would stay longer. So I finally took the risk. I told them how I felt. I told them that I did love them but that I felt depressed each time I came home. I promised to come home more often as long as they would try to make it more pleasant for me. I asked them not to fight with each other when I was there. I asked them to respect my lifestyle and not to make comments about marriage and babies. I asked them not to judge or criticize me. I asked them not to make me feel guilty if I didn't want to visit other relatives. I asked my father to spend time alone with me that was not in front of the TV, and I asked my mother not to get upset when he did. I asked my sister to stop pretending to be so "nice" around them.

My visits home at Christmas became happy times. I began to feel loved and appreciated. You cannot change people, but you can change the way they treat you. But, to do that you have to let them know when they hurt you. And let them know what you want. This Christmas, be honest with your family. Let them know what you like and do not like about being there. Ask them to treat you differently.