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How to Turn Him into the Man of Your Dreams
by Carolyn Bushong
Men (people) will treat us badly if we let them. Most
people don't realize that they train people on how to treat them by
showing them what we will and won't put up with.
If you'll hand out with him and not expect him to call you in advance or
buy you dinner, yet you'll still have sex with him, he learns that
disrespect and bad behavior toward you is okay.
If he cheats and you take him back without repercussions (and lots of
therapy), he learns that cheating on you is not only okay, but worth it
because the consequences are not great.
If you date a man and he tells you that he not only is dating several
other women, but also sleeping with them and that he hopes you can
handle this because he wants to have multiple relationships with other
women even if he's married, and you keep dating and having sex with him,
you are indirectly (through your behavior) saying it is okay for him to
treat you that way, even if your words say it isn't. {This is a true
story from one of my clients.}
Women are often so eager to be in a relationship that they will put up
with bad behavior from a man, and then wonder why he treats her so
badly. If you let him treat you disrespectfully at the beginning of a
relationship, he will escalate the bad behavior. Why? Because he knows
he can. Being nice to someone who treats you badly does not make him
love you more, it simply makes him disrespect you and treat you worse.
What To Do to Change Him into the Man of Your
Dreams:
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Set up behavior modification techniques
similar to "tough love" with a child. Don't try to reason with
him. Make choices and decisions and set boundaries using your
head, not your heart. Let him know in no uncertain terms what
behaviors are allowed with you and what aren't. I had a client
who met a man on the internet and let him talk sexual with her
right off the bat. Then the met and dated and everything was
about sex, including an attempted date rape one night. She
doesn't understand that she help set that up (certainly she did
not deserve it), but she needed to be more careful with the
respect issue right off the bat.
-
Keep your own personal strength so that he
knows you mean it when you say something. Don't chase him; keep
your own friends and interests; don't spend too much time with
him; remain financially independent.
-
Pull away from him when his behavior is bad.
Keep him thinking he could lose you. If he acts rejecting, you
need to act more rejecting than him.
-
Practice, "What's good for the goose is good
for the gander," or vice versa. If he stays out late, you need
to stay out later. If he doesn't call you back when he says,
don't take his calls or call him for several days.
Counter-intimidate and call his bluff: if he says, "We need to
take a break," agree and say, "I was thinking the exact same
thing, maybe a couple months apart?"
-
Use power communication with consequences at
all times. No whining. Whining teaches him you don't really mean
it. 4 Steps of Powerful Communication: I Feel _____, I
Want_____, Will you _____, If not, I will _____.
How to Change Specific Behaviors:
Emotionally -- Don't be any more open than he is or
share any more information about yourself than he does. Any time he is
emotionally unavailable, withdraw from him completely, saying, "Since
you don't seem to want to talk about this, I think I'll call Suzie and
meet her so I'll have someone to talk to."
Money Issues -- Whether he is controlling with money or an overspender,
keep 3 separate bank accounts--yours, his, and ours. Make sue you both
contribute to the joint account and that all bills are paid and covered
from that account. Then what is spent from individual accounts is up to
each person. Don't let him control what you spend and/or don't enable
his spending by letting him use the joint account.
Chores and Childcare -- Set up a schedule, giving him chores that aren't
urgent (so it won't make you crazy if he doesn't do them, like feed the
dog or water the plants). Set up consequences if doesn't do them,
i.e. "If you don't clean up the dishes after dinner, then I won't make dinner
for you the next night -- the kids and I will go out."
Friends -- You can't choose his friends, but if he makes his friends a
priority, don't nag him. Instead, get your own friends and make yourself
busier (with your own friends) than he is until he has to beg you to
spend time with him. (Client Denzel's story)
Flirting & Jealousy
-- When you feel jealous make him jealous instead of
acting jealous.
Alan & Me together 20 years and he's the Man
of My Dreams!!
Alan and I have been dating/living together for 20
years now, AND we both did not want to get married again (both been
married before). Alan and I had our issues and fights, mostly in the
first few years of our relationship. We didn't ignore them, we worked
them out and made deals. Because of this, we have not built up
resentment; we have not killed the passion; we have not grown bored with
each other. Our love has grown as we've handled and faced situations
together. He's my lover and my best friend. I sent him a couple of love
cards for our 20-year anniversary, and these are the words from the card
he sent me last week.
Alan's card to me last week:
I remember our first date,
our first kiss,
our very first "I love yous."
I remember how natural it felt
to start out together,
how comfortable we were
despite all the crazy stuff
that was happening
in the world around us.
I knew I had found a companion
for the journey ahead, someone who would stay beside me,
no matter how the road turned or where it took us.
More years than I can believe
have slipped by us.
But I feel the same way now
as I did all those years ago...
I feel anything is possible--
I know we can count on each other,
and I want to go on
sharing everything
on life's journey
with you.
What a wild & wonderful 20 years!
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