Leveraging With Men
by Carolyn Bushong

We women seem to make the same mistakes with me over and over. We’ll meet someone, and because we want a relationship, we jump in too quickly. Before you know it, we’ve turned this man into the man of our dreams, and we think we’re in love. Most of the time we don’t even really know this guy. We fall in love with what we want him to be, ignoring the reality of who he is

But by the time we find out his faults, it’s usually too late. We’ve already overinvested. We’ve told our girlfriends how wonderful he is. We’ve imagined being married to him and having his babies. We’ve planned so much with him in our minds that no matter how bad the reality is, instead of getting rid of him, we become desperate to turn him into the man we want him to be.

As soon as we do, we lose our power and position in the relationship. We’re so in love with him that we don’t use our heads.

Women need to start dealing with what is rather that what could be. When we deal with reality instead of fantasy, we can usually figure out how to win. When we use our heads instead of our hearts, we often can plan a strategy that works.

When a woman uses her head, she evaluates carefully to see whether a man has any real potential before she invests in him. What are his assets and liabilities? Maybe he is attractive, rich, and has a lot of friends. But what are his patterns with women? How open and vulnerable can he be? Is he known for “loving and leaving them?” Does he have another girlfriend? How does he treat his mother and female friends? If you decide he’s worth investing in, you must then slowly and gradually get him to invest in you. Never date a man exclusively until he is invested in you. Like our mothers used to say, “Why should he buy the cow when the milk is free?” But I’m not necessarily speaking sexually. If he knows he has you without question, when there’s been no talk of commitment on his part, why should he make a commitment to you? Your personal value goes down with him when you show your hand without requiring him to show his first.

Typically we women invest in only one man and watch him too carefully. When the value starts to drop, we may do crazy things – like constantly checking to see where he is or what he’s doing.

We need to learn to leverage with men. Invest in men the way you invest in the stock market. Choose several men, like stocks, to invest a small amount of your emotions. Then watch their performance closely. Unless and until and investment proves it’s value, don’t invest anymore.

Don’t rationalize that the bad ones will get better. However, unlike a stock, a man can be told what he needs to do to become more of an asset in your life. Maybe you wish he’d be more open and sensitive. Let him know what you want, and that until you see improvements, you will not make any further investment. Le him know that you have other options from which to choose, and unless he improves, you will be pulling out your investment.

Realistically and carefully watch each investment in your portfolio. If one of your investments isn’t giving you an adequate return, pull out to cut your losses early. Move your time and energy to something that pays off. On the other hand, when an investment is on an uptrend, you can afford to invest more of yourself.

Let him know that you have other investments. Women date other men and keep it a secret for fear the information will upset him. On the contrary, dating more than one man increases your value. It shows you’re smart instead of desperate. Besides, it puts a man in a competitive stance instead of a defensive one.

And don’t try to bluff. Our mothers suggested we “Tell him you’re busy.” Sitting at home alone on a Saturday night wondering what he’s doing and with whom doesn’t’ give you more power.

You deserve to have that fantasy relationship you want. But you have to use your head. Learn to leverage with men to get what you want. You’re a valuable commodity. Act like one!