Single, Secure & Satisfied
by Carolyn Bushong

More and more women today of all ages are exercising their option to remain unmarried. Some are single by choice; some are afraid of marriage and the high divorce rate; some are divorced; and some are single because they haven’t found the right person yet, but hope they will. It doesn’t matter why. What matters is that single women today can make the most of their single lives.

There’s a new wave of women who choose to be single because they think the benefits outweigh the negatives. They like the freedom that goes with being single. They know that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side of the matrimonial fence – especially for those who’ve been married.

They are women like Barbara, a 38-year-old executive with IBM. She has never been married and says her single status played a large role in facilitating her climb to the top of corporate management. Because she didn’t have a husband and children to worry about, Barbara didn’t hesitate to relocate, stay late to work on special projects, and travel.

Recently, she used her clout with the company to transfer to the city where her long-distance lover of many years lives. Giving up the single life? “No way!” she says. “I’m just enriching it!”

They’re women like my 77-year-old friend Mary. After her husband died 15 years ago, Mary turned adversity into opportunity. She returned to her career as a fashion designer and became involved in community affairs. Her network of friends expanded to include more young people, whom she regularly entertains at her mountain home. She may not be quite as active as she once was, but she loves living alone. She says she, of course, loved her husband and children, but she wouldn’t trade these last few years as a single woman for anything!

In Mary’s generation, to be single by choice was almost inconceivable. Women had few job opportunities. Sexual and social options were limited by social taboos and lack of birth control. Women needed men for economic security and marriage and children for emotional satisfaction. But all that has changed today. She says she’s not sure she would have ever gotten married if she had the opportunities women have today.

Take 19-year-old Maggie. Although she hopes to get married someday, she says she wants to enjoy her newfound freedom before tying herself down. Recently, her boyfriend of two years offered her an engagement ring and an invitation to live together. She told him that she really cares about him, but that it’s too soon since she just left her parents’ house and is eager to find out what life is like on her own. She has moved into an apartment near the beach with her dog, took a job in a bookstore, enrolled in junior college, and is trying to find out what she wants out of her own life before she decides to become a part of someone else’s.

Not all single women are so thrilled that they’re single, however. In fact, many single women feel quite insecure and are not so satisfied. Why? Because the myths surrounding women and marriage have not changed as rapidly as the realities. In days of old, the single woman was considered “unchosen, unwanted, and unlovable.” Many single women still believe that because they’re single, it means that they are not wanted. They feel they are incomplete until someone comes to save them from their loneliness, poverty, and despair. Then, of course, she and her prince will “live happily ever after.”

But the truth is, of course, that no one else can make you happy. Besides, more than 50 percent of all marriages today end in divorce, so she will most likely become single again by circumstance. She will probably assume that she just married the wrong man and go looking for the right one. But the real problem is that she bought into the myth that marriage makes your life better -- that it’s his job to make you happy and yours to make him happy.

If you are not happy now, marriage or a relationship, will not make you happy. It will, in fact, disappoint you further, and, most importantly, it will postpone the pursuit of your own happiness -- as you attempt to play out the myth that it’s your job to make each other happy.

Instead of “waiting” for your prince to come, let me show you what it takes to become a single, secure and satisfied woman!

• Stop Idealizing Marriage. Your closest friends will tell you the truth: that marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be (not that marriage is all bad, but you need some reality therapy). And you have no idea what really goes on in the marriages you admire from afar, as most people pretend everything is fine right up until the day of their divorce. Go ask probing questions to couples you think have a perfect marriage to further dispel the fantasy. After my own divorce at 23, my mantra became: “I felt more alone lying in bed next to a man who wouldn’t talk to me than I do now.”

• Luxuriate in Your Freedom. Living alone means you can let your dishes pile up until you feel like doing them. You can practice the piano or sing your karaoke songs until 3am. You can work on that project for your job all weekend without being nagged. You can go out for a drink (or to Vegas) at a moment’s notice. You can have popcorn or an apple for dinner since there’s no one you have to coordinate with. You owe no one any explanations about what you do or when you do it. Learn to savor the freedom of single life!

• Learn to Love Being Alone. Schedule alone time with yourself to follow your interests, learn a new skill (like the guitar), or just “veg” by taking bubble baths, reading novels, and de-stressing. Remind yourself that you’ve chosen to be alone, and let go of that nagging feeling that being alone means that no one wanted to be with you. Use this time (that many people don’t have) to go over your personal and career goals and become a stronger and better person.

• Seek More Intimacy in Your Life. Emotional intimacy isn’t just something we long for with men, it is a part of our everyday lives. However, we often let things go, like that co-worker who criticizes you, or a sister who constantly competes. Taking the time to clean up issues with these people will give you a sense of “intimacy.” Handling your emotions with others teaches you how to deal with people and be more likely to get what you want from others in the future. To feel satisfied by meeting your intimacy needs, it is key to make “friends” with a variety of people, not just women your age, i.e. your sister’s child, an elderly neighbor, a geeky friend who is very different from you. The antidote to loneliness has more to do with the way we can relate to others in an intimate way, than it does finding the “right” person.

• Take Risks – Emotionally, Financially, Physically, and Socially. Personal Security comes from knowing you can make it on your own, no matter what happens to you. When we aren’t secure in ourselves, we’re always looking for a man to make us feel better about ourselves. True security in yourself is the inner strength and self-confidence you develop by taking risks, failing, learning from your mistakes, and then taking more risks. Being single allows you to take the kind of risks that a woman who has family responsibilities might not take. Jump out of a parachute, go live in Paris for a year, tell some jerk to screw off, spend your last penny on a fabulous pair of shoes, or decide to experiment with a one-night-stand. You will learn a lot about yourself when you take a variety of risks. Then you can decide which kind of risks are worth it and which aren’t, i.e. if your rent is due the day after you bought the shoes, you might decide to start a savings account.

• Develop a Sense of Purpose. Marriage itself does not give one a sense of purpose. We all need to feel that there is purpose in our life. Maybe you always wanted to save the homeless or stop teenage pregnancy. Get involved in something in your community or even change your career to something that has always created a passion in you. I became a therapist because of my parents’ fighting. When something is extremely important to you, it helps you focus outside yourself, takes away self-pity, and creates a sense of belongingness.

The Single, Secure, and Satisfied Woman:

• Enjoys her freedom and allows others to have theirs.

• Refuses to report her coming and goings to anyone.

• Does not worry about others’ judgment or validation of her.

• Can’t imagine herself as “half” a couple.

• Instead of complaining, she solves her own problems.

• Is successful and productive, i.e. she risks more and attains more.

• Does not avoid issues, as she knows that conflict and confrontation are part of growth.

• Is in control of her own time to create, contemplate, and connect when she wants.

• Is spontaneous and open to new opportunities.

• Is happy!