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Handling Money
Issues in a Bad Economy
by Carolyn Bushong
 Most
relationship problems become more obvious when there's a money crisis
because people are in a state of fear and agitation. Also, any crisis
requires more communication and coordination to work through the issue.
Besides, money is the top issue that couples fight about in normal
times. Now couples must decide where to cut back, which expenditures
take priority, and possibly try to stop the other one from frivolous
spending. If a marriage is already having problems, a crisis like the
slow economy can put the nail in the coffin - or at least finally send
the couple into getting into therapy.
Money is hard enough to manage by yourself, much less when you have to
coordinate with someone else and his/her values. Opposites do seem to
attract when it comes to values about money, and I'm not sure why.
Spenders and Savers seem to couple up again and again and fight about it
continually. But the Saver believes he's right, and resents the
Spender,
while the Spender often feels guilty, but continues the behavior. If the
Saver is the main breadwinner, then he (or she) has the most control,
and often acts like a "parent" with the Spender. The
Saver usually has a
"self-righteous" attitude, like, "everyone knows you shouldn't spend
everything you make, and that it's crazy to use credit cards, and that a
penny saved is a penny earned." Spenders usually promise they won't do
it again, and then like a rebellious child, go spend more (& try to keep
it a secret this time) because they're mad. The Saver becomes the
Controller in the relationship, and the Spender plays the Victim. The
Saver/Controller often sets rigid rules while the Spender/Victim becomes
passive aggressive, often hiding purchases in the trunk of the car.
How to Resolve Money Issues:
-
Respect each other's way of looking at
money issues. Yes, we all know that it's smart to save and
plan for the future, but the Spender has a different point of
view, often seeing money as something to enjoy immediately.
Neither is completely right or wrong. Realize that each of you
has a point, and look for compromises instead of faulting each
other. Saver: Stop acting like a parent. Spender: explain your
belief and demand a compromise. (In this economy, the Spender
may need to back off, not giving up your position completely,
but look for better compromises, like "I'll work 4 more hours a
week and keep my dance class so it doesn't take away from our
family bills.")
-
Set the bank accounts up correctly.
It's best to have 3 bank accounts: His, Hers, and Ours. If all
money is "joint" money, there will always be fights. Have a
joint account for bills and decide how much each puts in. {If
your income is equal, each puts in 50% of what goes out. If not,
use a percentage like 60/40 according to money coming in.} Then
decide what percentage of each person's income goes to savings
or IRAs or other funds (like college or vacation or new
furniture funds). The rest goes into each person's personal
accounts and should be spent as each person wishes, without
criticism from their mate.
-
Make deals around money that you usually
fight about, such as:
-
Each person cannot spend more than $200
from the joint account without checking with each other. (In
this economy, the number may need to be less, like $50.)
-
His golf and her shoes, etc. must always
come from the individual personal accounts.
-
Gifts for friends and family must be kept
to a certain amount. (And possibly "no gifts" for each other
while money is tight.)
-
Discuss and clean up any inequities around
money, i.e. she works fewer hours and brings in less money,
but he shares 50/50 with the housework and resents it, or she
makes more of the money and he spends more. Work out a deal that
will lessen any resentment on either's part.
-
Sit down once every few months and look at
the bills together (no matter who pays them.) Plan ahead,
deciding what can be cut and what future expenses will be coming
up (back- to-school clothes for kids, new tires on the car,
etc.) When there are disagreements, negotiate so that some times
you win, sometimes he/she does.
The most important thing about any issue, but especially the
issue of finances, is that you talk about it with your mate
BEFORE IT BECOMES AN ISSUE!!!!
For more information on
this topic, get Carolyn's book Bring
Back the Man You Fell in Love With. |
